I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out and I breathe in. . .

I have been having a hard time adjusting to being back in the states after India. There are multiple issues with this. One is the sleep issue - normal I guess - where I am tired at random times but I can't really sleep at night even though I think I am exhausted.

Otherwise, I can't get myself to clean yet. It's disgusting in here, and I just can't do it. I tell myself now as I am typing this that I can just listen to one set of music on the radio and clean during that set and things will be a little better, but I am not sure I can convince myself.

Also, I am in no mood to restart other facets of real life, like writing my paper, planning for my class, and re-entering the workforce part time. I am still in the college-mode where my sanity feels entitled to a full month of no obligations during the winter holidays.

Otherwise, I miss our dysfunctional culture of sitting around, taking lunch, cha lo'ing, and I don't know..

I cannot take being uncertain of myself and being vulnerable, and I have a big guilt complex around being a unsuitable partner/friend/child/employee/student/... person. Plus I think there are times in life, for me at least, where you can see a different future for yourself, or see these possibilities out there that are unbelievably beautiful, but you have absolutely no hope for attaining them. Part of it is because the pieces to put in place will never really be there in totality, but part of it is also that you wouldn't put them together if they were. How sad is that?

I have felt like that in the past, and things have gone interestingly. I know some of this internal conflict is normal, but I am sick of hurting people, myself included. I just naively wish that none of this was creating turmoil in my life at a time when I really just need to finish my paper and get a real job.

And that's where God comes in, like a Judy Blume novel, or in Madonna's song -

"God?"