Thought Provoking Question: 4 of 25

If not now, then when?

These questions may be a little too thought provoking. I mean, there’s always an excuse, isn’t there? Always a reason to not do something, and – when you look at it – usually a reason too, or at least some sort of justification, that now is the time, if we’re looking for the rationalization to come.

Maybe it’s because I’m tired and experiencing some sort of quasi-jet lag syndrome (I’m sleeping just as well in Berlin as I ever do at home but am still not quite right), but I feel like this question perplexes me more than it provokes my thoughts to come swiftly. I guess I continue to face my own denial about when it is and is not appropriate to act in different situations. My head and my heart can get in one another’s way, compete, or confuse the other a lot these days. I try for a balance, but truly, all I often end up with is a muddle.

At the same time, my overall life approach has been, for low risk activities and decisions, the time is always now. And I suppose I define low risk differently than lots of other people. I’m not afraid to try new things, to be outside of my element, or to learn. I can stand a lot of impulsivity when it comes to taking on risk, right away, in these areas. More so, I wrestle with the risks of relationship, achievement, and personal levels of success. I don’t know how much this is due to my emotional makeup, my gender, my life experiences, any of it. But I know that some things I am deathly afraid of others do wantonly, when it comes to socialization or people-oriented choices, while I’d prefer to try a new food, visit a new city, or jump off a building before I’d risk being unliked. Terrible, huh? Well, not the preferences for new experiences, but the fear of social disapproval. In my heart, I know I need to act now, that this is my life, and what others judge it to be doesn’t matter. My anxieties turn a different way though, and that way is somewhat discouraging. As is this blog post.

I’d love to write a positive post about this question, but I think the hard truth, the silver lining too though, is that in order to experience the reward of risks, to grow, we need to be constantly honest with ourselves about which risks we’re afraid and just a scrupulous about modifying and advancing our attitudes, behavior and skillsets as to become less afraid. What is fear, ultimately, but something that holds us back, something we need to relentlessly confront and conquer? So, in the relentless pursuit of whatever this all is, I aim to live my life more than ever in the moment – to laugh loudly if the situation merits, to cry when I need to cry, to work harder than anyone else would expect and to admit my failures and flaws to the world without choosing to like myself any less for it. I need to expand my risk horizons by doing more now, joyfully, and less “when.”