If not now, then when?
These questions may be a little too thought provoking. I
mean, there’s always an excuse, isn’t there? Always a reason to not do
something, and – when you look at it – usually a reason too, or at least some
sort of justification, that now is the time, if we’re looking for the
rationalization to come.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired and experiencing some sort of
quasi-jet lag syndrome (I’m sleeping just as well in Berlin as I ever do at
home but am still not quite right), but I feel like this question perplexes me
more than it provokes my thoughts to come swiftly. I guess I continue to face
my own denial about when it is and is not appropriate to act in different
situations. My head and my heart can get in one another’s way, compete, or
confuse the other a lot these days. I try for a balance, but truly, all I often
end up with is a muddle.
At the same time, my overall life approach has been, for low
risk activities and decisions, the time is always now. And I suppose I define
low risk differently than lots of other people. I’m not afraid to try new
things, to be outside of my element, or to learn. I can stand a lot of
impulsivity when it comes to taking on risk, right away, in these areas. More
so, I wrestle with the risks of relationship, achievement, and personal levels
of success. I don’t know how much this is due to my emotional makeup, my
gender, my life experiences, any of it. But I know that some things I am
deathly afraid of others do wantonly, when it comes to socialization or people-oriented
choices, while I’d prefer to try a new food, visit a new city, or jump off a
building before I’d risk being unliked. Terrible, huh? Well, not the
preferences for new experiences, but the fear of social disapproval. In my
heart, I know I need to act now, that this is my life, and what others judge it
to be doesn’t matter. My anxieties turn a different way though, and that way is
somewhat discouraging. As is this blog post.
I’d love to write a positive post about this question, but I
think the hard truth, the silver lining too though, is that in order to
experience the reward of risks, to grow, we need to be constantly honest with
ourselves about which risks we’re afraid and just a scrupulous about modifying
and advancing our attitudes, behavior and skillsets as to become less afraid.
What is fear, ultimately, but something that holds us back, something we need
to relentlessly confront and conquer? So, in the relentless pursuit of whatever this all is, I aim to
live my life more than ever in the moment – to laugh loudly if the situation
merits, to cry when I need to cry, to work harder than anyone else would expect
and to admit my failures and flaws to the world without choosing to like myself
any less for it. I need to expand my risk horizons by doing more now, joyfully,
and less “when.”
