Up!..

...Like the movie, minus the talking dog, plus a cat that attacks my toes in the morning and likes Mickey Mouse shaped ice cubes in his water bowl.

So as the title also implies, this week things of looking a bit up. There's beautiful weather outside and I am still riding off a high I got yesterday after suriving a terrible caffeine withdrawl headache and nursing myself back to health with plenty of 7-Eleven coffee and home improvement projects in the row house.

It was the Charles Village festival this weekend, which meant no sleeping in for the weary as jazz music started well before noon in the dell and the streets were combing with people trying to pick up funky art, clothes, and accessories from all the booths lining the stained glass encrusted street of southbound North Charles. I picked up a miniature flower vase that was really like a small beaker encased in a block of mahogany wood that the deal had repurposed from bits and pieces he got from a carpenter friend who had used the wood to build cabinets for the Smithsonian. So it's like a little piece of my childhood, now holding hopefully a little piece of nature once we move into the row house and I can buy (or snip from a rougue Wyman park area) a fresh bud of flowers to put on our pub table.

S enjoyed the festival by consuming sweet Italian sausage two days out of two, so in addition to my headache, there was also a pretty weighty stomach ache in the apartment this weekend. Only Oliver, the cat, surived unscathed.

I have been looking and somewhat keeping up with some southern belle blogs recently, which I find very interesting in that the majority of them, despite the different personalities of the girls that keep them, have tons of pictures of clothes, beautiful scenes, and of course the girls themselves. I guess this makes sense - it is their blog, their snippet of time and space to jazz up, but if got me wondering how many niched blogging communities there are out there, whether I should "join" one, and if so, where I would fit. Pretty much the story of my life otherwise - with friends, school, careers, church, political views, relationships, SES's, everything, I seem to mutate in and out of groups while maintaining a strong personal identity that is hopefully capatible with others but doesn't fit a comfortable mold. I think some of this might be a defense mechanism, a fear of getting too cozy with people and ideas, but elsewise I guess I prefer to sample a lot more than others, I'm not sure.

But returning to the postively-focused theme, I have two interviews this week for seemingly to really great positions, though they are quite different than the other. I am really hoping to fit in well with the second organization I meet up with this week, but am ideally hoping to have great interviews at both so that I have more options, just like in life. Wishful thinking, and I should be happy I have any prospects that work for the area I live in and the career choices on which I'd like to focus. Fingers crossed, though, I'd really like to sign onto something meaningful soon and start making a splash in whatever specific field I am in!

For now, I should focus on keeping up with the work I've got for at least the next month or so.

But..for the grand "Up!" finale - M&K are getting married this weekend!! What joy and bliss!!! On the scary list - I am giving the bride's side toast/speech, and short of a sweet little marriage blessing I picked up online and an idea to get K's his first Father's Day card ever, I am at a loss. I imagine myself burning the midnight oil on this one - literally - I imagine myself in the early 1800's with some parchment and a quill at a sewing desk or out in the barn as to not disturb those in the farm house, writing this masterpiece. Oh my, and up, up and away!

Off!

This is a blog post dedicated to being out of school, having taken the longest vacation (6 days - including two days of commencement activities, three weekend days, and one federal holiday = not actually a real vacation when I afford myself time) I have had in over a year, and having three jobs, none of which is permanent or full-time. Oh yeah, and the new cat, the old boyfriend, the semi-moved into apartment in a row house, the random affinity for leads without results, and the recurring crush on the man-boy I haven't spoken to since (junior year?) of high school.

What is this thing called being in one's early to mid-twenties? Really, I think the whole blog here is about the missteps, misinformation, and lack of real direction that I have during this time in my life. It's like we as a generation have everything at our fingertips and yet nothing at all. Some of us have husbands, babies, houses, but some of us only have the bags on our shoulder and the dreams in our heads.

I am the later, and the more happy for it, and grateful, but also the completely confused.

Until You

Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you

The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again

I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you

The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah

The time it took to find you
I would wait again, my baby
The feelings that I feel with you now

- DB

Aights.

So now I am kind of starting from scratch with most of my life.

I am trying to live in the moment, to be emotionally authentic, and regularly authentic with people, and to do things that scare and challenge me if I find them important or potentially rewarding.

I am kind of ready to get mine, so to speak. To not let limitations mean anything.

The only real vice I think I have is caffeine, which is pretty exciting, because I really like caffeinated beverages and I have no moral qualms taking caffeine pills if necessary, and finally, I won't be pregnant anytime soon, so there is that.

I need to re-new my car insurance payment method, and I need my final masters paper to get approved. I need to stop eating when I am not hungry, and I need to take care of myself first, before anyone or anything else.

I love music and I think the days are better when I am able to listen to music I find compelling for hours at a time.

I really think that things are out there for me that I am finally going to be able to seize, and that feels amazing.

Sunrises, Sunsets, and Other Inspiration

Prayer for Lucas
Little Lucas, we love you.
You are a binding strength to us.
You remind us about the importance of love.
We want you to breathe in grace and breathe out peace.
Be safe, knowing that the darkness has not overcome the light.

Be
The PULL of simplicity
is a gentle tuG
or a modest tendency.
It never gets in the way of complication's wild array
or AGENCY.
The air of SILENCE
rings PURITY or signals
U N I T Y
or otherwise
underperforms
mindless cacophony.
The BEAT of SUFFICIENY
is a steady humming
UnConfused with the DRuMMinG
of the urges and purges and regurges of Consumption.
There is enough. It is enough. It is.
10-4-2010. dmv

Exhale
Is there a moment in there?
Here now, really.
Where’s the time in which we’re defined?
With every look I want to pierce eternity.
Call it nostalgic, but I call it losing life.
Every firm, firm grip reminds me I’ll be loosed one day;
Every wind brings promise of stillness.
I try to fill my lungs past the point of bursting,
But then they break, the deep exhale, but then they break.
There’s something so comfortable about a coffee mug steaming,
The warmth slowly fading away.
Is there a moment in there?
In here, really.
Or is it all about the slow fade?
dmv 2.17.11

Setting Sun
Setting sun
don't set on me.
There's so much to do, let your shadow shine through all the old in me to renew.
Spiritually dance, setting sun, setting sun
over the wrinkles and pores,
healing the rash and the sores,
calming the jumps of the nerves.
To set us aglow.
Little do we know of your plans -
we only see you moving.
So would that illumination do more in us than pass us by.
Rejoin our world...
...with the sky.

Consequences
Consequences
sit beside me
bleed me dry and dead.
Consequences
make me hungry
stir my soul from bed.
Consequences
have you found me
waterlogged or dry?
There's a warning
from the fateful
now it is their time.
Consequences
there you've set me;
There I've left myself.

Too Soon
There aren’t ways and means
And pillow cases there
There’s a song that doesn’t make me cry
A song that doesn’t make me cry too soon

It’s written in the sky this time
The summer’s fading fast
And, for once, I’m looking forward to the fall

The humidity will speak but
It’s time is in the past
I need the sharpest bite of autumn’s call

Here’s the way I see it –
You went your way and I went mine
But there’s a median between it
And you were first to breach that line

There’s no time
There’s just no time

So I’ll bow my head, upturning tears
There’s no deviation here
The same old me, listening to a song that
October sun won’t play

Listening to a song the
October sun won’t ever play

The tides keep turning to the sea
They know they’re better off away (from me)

You’re too good, and I’m not crying…anymore

You’ll lap my grains of sand away from shore.

Your heart
What about that -
The freckles on the chest from the shimmer on the water that reflects and burns?

What about that -
The warmth of the veins of a throat not my own nestled on top of me (nestled on top of me)?

Could this be just the beginning? Could this be you at the start?

I feel you – it startles, awakens my infancy. I don’t know half of your heart.

Song for spring

Grab me
Take ahold
Don’t let me go

Wasted hours in the semi-shade
Seedlings dropping down

Grab me
Take ahold

This world keeps turning
Take ahold

Her
12.24.12

We have inherited the earth
How she settles under our feet
And exhibits her plumage before us
Our lord and slave

Our heritage is the earth
Every light to reach our eyes, a reflection of her face
The beat of our hearts from the flesh of her beasts
How we tremble to know
The road of our arrival

The rites of the earth
The tasks of our hands
The call of our souls
All the same

She is waiting for us
To bow to her in prayer
To accept her grace

To claim our inheritance

The Us
2.5.13

I love you.
You are now endeared to me in such a way that cannot be easily put into words.

We've gone through the days together in an odd sort of way,
persisting and letting go.

I hesitate to say it,
but it's like we have our own quiet routine
on our own quiet side path
of life.

I run off in one direction,
you stroll down in quite another, but then
we silently return

Sometimes to regain our pace,
sometimes to catch our breath,
sometimes just to see one another
in the periphery.

I love you in a quiet way
on our quiet path.

I often take your hand
as we walk,

Because I love you,
and you are now endeared to me

in  such a way that cannot be easily put into words.

Harden
3.15.14
The world ripping

Searing

It sees me

Turns away

Looks back

Sees through me

And I see through it

Done being started

Cold in an escape I never wanted

Unsure about how this whole bravery thing works anymore

I want just to be held by one pair of arms that the world gave me and took away

So I stare at it

Stare toward it

The veil transparent

Alone and cold

And my God waits for my return

Things Matt Says About Food (2014)
"I can cook, provided you like pasta with any of a number of jarred sauces."
"I enjoy having a lot of cereal bars in the same way squirrels like having a lot of acorns for winter."
"My mom said we have apple dumplings in the freezer..."
"Grilling dinner, because I'm an independent 20 year old."

I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out and I breathe in. . .

I have been having a hard time adjusting to being back in the states after India. There are multiple issues with this. One is the sleep issue - normal I guess - where I am tired at random times but I can't really sleep at night even though I think I am exhausted.

Otherwise, I can't get myself to clean yet. It's disgusting in here, and I just can't do it. I tell myself now as I am typing this that I can just listen to one set of music on the radio and clean during that set and things will be a little better, but I am not sure I can convince myself.

Also, I am in no mood to restart other facets of real life, like writing my paper, planning for my class, and re-entering the workforce part time. I am still in the college-mode where my sanity feels entitled to a full month of no obligations during the winter holidays.

Otherwise, I miss our dysfunctional culture of sitting around, taking lunch, cha lo'ing, and I don't know..

I cannot take being uncertain of myself and being vulnerable, and I have a big guilt complex around being a unsuitable partner/friend/child/employee/student/... person. Plus I think there are times in life, for me at least, where you can see a different future for yourself, or see these possibilities out there that are unbelievably beautiful, but you have absolutely no hope for attaining them. Part of it is because the pieces to put in place will never really be there in totality, but part of it is also that you wouldn't put them together if they were. How sad is that?

I have felt like that in the past, and things have gone interestingly. I know some of this internal conflict is normal, but I am sick of hurting people, myself included. I just naively wish that none of this was creating turmoil in my life at a time when I really just need to finish my paper and get a real job.

And that's where God comes in, like a Judy Blume novel, or in Madonna's song -

"God?"

Quizical (Second Title: How Friends may be the best instruction manual out there)

It's funny to me, after a Google scan I will deem equatable to an intensive search for truth, that there are no resources for people in their twenties to learn from. When googling about it, all I got were a few lame whining sessions - like the one I am posting at current, of course, only lamer - and some articles on finances. I, like so many people in their early twenties, do not have finances to speak of, and I am very good at managing my rent, electricity, food, repeat cycle of spending, thank you very much. Having no money now I think will adequately prepare me to appreciate and not waste it later. We'll see, but at any rate, there is nothing out there to help us cope, except some informal rants which maintain that, forget it, we're doomed to zip through this decade making poor choices that we will not remember anyway.

So why the lack of available resources online, and I assume elsewhere? Because of the blur that was other persons' lives back then, and their unwillingness to rehash it for the benefit of those who are currently a little thinner, younger, and stupider than they? I am not sure - but I think that if I make it to 30, I hope to be kind enough to impart some wisdom, and not so wrapped up in my life of raising kids, paying a mortgage, and complaining about my boss that I don't think about those poor souls battling 25. I will remember them, just as we now are forgotten. But what really, am I three years in, learning about this special time in life?

I have learned that old people will be concerned for your instability in life at 20, whereas if you ask them where they were at your age, or don't ask to be polite but remember what they've said in the past, you'll find yourself buoyed up by the fact that there lives were not so much secure back then, and probably a little less on track then yours. Or if not, well, that's okay too, because they got out of the shambles somehow, right?

I have had people ask me what I want to do with my life, and I can't rightly answer them, because the fact is I am doing what I want to do, it's just that my career path will need to be curvy, but people feel uncomfortable when they get an answer that is more than a long sentence. Careers in this world aren't cookie cutter, nor are those unbelievably naive things called dreams, but I want to fulfill them none-the-less, and I intend to! So I would say that we should embrace our connect the dots lifestyles at this age, and not worry about how others feel about it and judge it, unless that is, those people are the ones paying your bills. If that is the case, well, you can't blame them for their concern about what it is (existential awareness/floundering) that they are supporting. Even though it's hard, we should all probably aim to support our own lives, otherwise, we don't really have full ownership of them in all their glory and mistakes.

I am not some kind of 20s sage, as made obvious by my own search for greater wisdom on this subject than my own, but my other two bits of advice (to myself) would be - get used to appreciating the small things in life, and count your blessings. As previously mentioned, I and many others like me in their twenties not supported by their parents in large part, have no money. But really, money is not the be all end all. Even when wants to eat well, dress well, and have fun, their are plenty of options - like inheriting funky decorations and furniture from others, shopping at the universally stylish Target, and making your own adventures, preferably in settings where free food is offered. If you are hungry enough, and I know this from experience, free food really does seem to be all around.

As for counting blessings, I think it is very easy for twenties these days to go around in a whiny stupor complaining about getting a job, buying gas for their car, their roommate, their lack of self-knowledge, all the choices they don't want to make which emerge from all the opportunities (graduate school, travel, relationships) at their fingertips. Stop complaining and start enjoying it people! (I say this to myself as well). I mean, when everyone around me is worried about their own internships/expenses/ipods, or in the case of the older adults in my life, just where that life is going, I think that most of these worries stem from free time on our hands and misplaced priorities. I think people who have really blessed lives and free time on their hands should serve others, not fret or philosophize all this much. So maybe I should just shut up, huh? I just think it's funny that so many people out their like to talk about their problems and insecurities in their twenties, but aren't taking time out to breath, reflect, think a little less about the complications they have voluntarily put into their young lives, and think more about how as healthy, happy young adults, they can be a powerful wonderful force in the world, by thinking a little bit less about just how it is they can hypothetically do it.

Thank you, and goodnight.