Until You

Let's just take our time
There's nothing else to do
What better way to spend the night
Than wasting it with you

The moon has won the war
The daylight waits to end
Stay here by my side
We'll watch the struggle start again

I need you now and forever
So stay right here with me
Don't ever leave
Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you

The city settles down
I watch you as you sleep
There's a silent celebration for
Every breath you breathe
Now this all makes sense
With you as company
I left all I knew and found
A better part of me, yeah

The time it took to find you
I would wait again, my baby
The feelings that I feel with you now

- DB

Aights.

So now I am kind of starting from scratch with most of my life.

I am trying to live in the moment, to be emotionally authentic, and regularly authentic with people, and to do things that scare and challenge me if I find them important or potentially rewarding.

I am kind of ready to get mine, so to speak. To not let limitations mean anything.

The only real vice I think I have is caffeine, which is pretty exciting, because I really like caffeinated beverages and I have no moral qualms taking caffeine pills if necessary, and finally, I won't be pregnant anytime soon, so there is that.

I need to re-new my car insurance payment method, and I need my final masters paper to get approved. I need to stop eating when I am not hungry, and I need to take care of myself first, before anyone or anything else.

I love music and I think the days are better when I am able to listen to music I find compelling for hours at a time.

I really think that things are out there for me that I am finally going to be able to seize, and that feels amazing.

Sunrises, Sunsets, and Other Inspiration

Prayer for Lucas
Little Lucas, we love you.
You are a binding strength to us.
You remind us about the importance of love.
We want you to breathe in grace and breathe out peace.
Be safe, knowing that the darkness has not overcome the light.

Be
The PULL of simplicity
is a gentle tuG
or a modest tendency.
It never gets in the way of complication's wild array
or AGENCY.
The air of SILENCE
rings PURITY or signals
U N I T Y
or otherwise
underperforms
mindless cacophony.
The BEAT of SUFFICIENY
is a steady humming
UnConfused with the DRuMMinG
of the urges and purges and regurges of Consumption.
There is enough. It is enough. It is.
10-4-2010. dmv

Exhale
Is there a moment in there?
Here now, really.
Where’s the time in which we’re defined?
With every look I want to pierce eternity.
Call it nostalgic, but I call it losing life.
Every firm, firm grip reminds me I’ll be loosed one day;
Every wind brings promise of stillness.
I try to fill my lungs past the point of bursting,
But then they break, the deep exhale, but then they break.
There’s something so comfortable about a coffee mug steaming,
The warmth slowly fading away.
Is there a moment in there?
In here, really.
Or is it all about the slow fade?
dmv 2.17.11

Setting Sun
Setting sun
don't set on me.
There's so much to do, let your shadow shine through all the old in me to renew.
Spiritually dance, setting sun, setting sun
over the wrinkles and pores,
healing the rash and the sores,
calming the jumps of the nerves.
To set us aglow.
Little do we know of your plans -
we only see you moving.
So would that illumination do more in us than pass us by.
Rejoin our world...
...with the sky.

Consequences
Consequences
sit beside me
bleed me dry and dead.
Consequences
make me hungry
stir my soul from bed.
Consequences
have you found me
waterlogged or dry?
There's a warning
from the fateful
now it is their time.
Consequences
there you've set me;
There I've left myself.

Too Soon
There aren’t ways and means
And pillow cases there
There’s a song that doesn’t make me cry
A song that doesn’t make me cry too soon

It’s written in the sky this time
The summer’s fading fast
And, for once, I’m looking forward to the fall

The humidity will speak but
It’s time is in the past
I need the sharpest bite of autumn’s call

Here’s the way I see it –
You went your way and I went mine
But there’s a median between it
And you were first to breach that line

There’s no time
There’s just no time

So I’ll bow my head, upturning tears
There’s no deviation here
The same old me, listening to a song that
October sun won’t play

Listening to a song the
October sun won’t ever play

The tides keep turning to the sea
They know they’re better off away (from me)

You’re too good, and I’m not crying…anymore

You’ll lap my grains of sand away from shore.

Your heart
What about that -
The freckles on the chest from the shimmer on the water that reflects and burns?

What about that -
The warmth of the veins of a throat not my own nestled on top of me (nestled on top of me)?

Could this be just the beginning? Could this be you at the start?

I feel you – it startles, awakens my infancy. I don’t know half of your heart.

Song for spring

Grab me
Take ahold
Don’t let me go

Wasted hours in the semi-shade
Seedlings dropping down

Grab me
Take ahold

This world keeps turning
Take ahold

Her
12.24.12

We have inherited the earth
How she settles under our feet
And exhibits her plumage before us
Our lord and slave

Our heritage is the earth
Every light to reach our eyes, a reflection of her face
The beat of our hearts from the flesh of her beasts
How we tremble to know
The road of our arrival

The rites of the earth
The tasks of our hands
The call of our souls
All the same

She is waiting for us
To bow to her in prayer
To accept her grace

To claim our inheritance

The Us
2.5.13

I love you.
You are now endeared to me in such a way that cannot be easily put into words.

We've gone through the days together in an odd sort of way,
persisting and letting go.

I hesitate to say it,
but it's like we have our own quiet routine
on our own quiet side path
of life.

I run off in one direction,
you stroll down in quite another, but then
we silently return

Sometimes to regain our pace,
sometimes to catch our breath,
sometimes just to see one another
in the periphery.

I love you in a quiet way
on our quiet path.

I often take your hand
as we walk,

Because I love you,
and you are now endeared to me

in  such a way that cannot be easily put into words.

Harden
3.15.14
The world ripping

Searing

It sees me

Turns away

Looks back

Sees through me

And I see through it

Done being started

Cold in an escape I never wanted

Unsure about how this whole bravery thing works anymore

I want just to be held by one pair of arms that the world gave me and took away

So I stare at it

Stare toward it

The veil transparent

Alone and cold

And my God waits for my return

Things Matt Says About Food (2014)
"I can cook, provided you like pasta with any of a number of jarred sauces."
"I enjoy having a lot of cereal bars in the same way squirrels like having a lot of acorns for winter."
"My mom said we have apple dumplings in the freezer..."
"Grilling dinner, because I'm an independent 20 year old."

I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out and I breathe in. . .

I have been having a hard time adjusting to being back in the states after India. There are multiple issues with this. One is the sleep issue - normal I guess - where I am tired at random times but I can't really sleep at night even though I think I am exhausted.

Otherwise, I can't get myself to clean yet. It's disgusting in here, and I just can't do it. I tell myself now as I am typing this that I can just listen to one set of music on the radio and clean during that set and things will be a little better, but I am not sure I can convince myself.

Also, I am in no mood to restart other facets of real life, like writing my paper, planning for my class, and re-entering the workforce part time. I am still in the college-mode where my sanity feels entitled to a full month of no obligations during the winter holidays.

Otherwise, I miss our dysfunctional culture of sitting around, taking lunch, cha lo'ing, and I don't know..

I cannot take being uncertain of myself and being vulnerable, and I have a big guilt complex around being a unsuitable partner/friend/child/employee/student/... person. Plus I think there are times in life, for me at least, where you can see a different future for yourself, or see these possibilities out there that are unbelievably beautiful, but you have absolutely no hope for attaining them. Part of it is because the pieces to put in place will never really be there in totality, but part of it is also that you wouldn't put them together if they were. How sad is that?

I have felt like that in the past, and things have gone interestingly. I know some of this internal conflict is normal, but I am sick of hurting people, myself included. I just naively wish that none of this was creating turmoil in my life at a time when I really just need to finish my paper and get a real job.

And that's where God comes in, like a Judy Blume novel, or in Madonna's song -

"God?"

Quizical (Second Title: How Friends may be the best instruction manual out there)

It's funny to me, after a Google scan I will deem equatable to an intensive search for truth, that there are no resources for people in their twenties to learn from. When googling about it, all I got were a few lame whining sessions - like the one I am posting at current, of course, only lamer - and some articles on finances. I, like so many people in their early twenties, do not have finances to speak of, and I am very good at managing my rent, electricity, food, repeat cycle of spending, thank you very much. Having no money now I think will adequately prepare me to appreciate and not waste it later. We'll see, but at any rate, there is nothing out there to help us cope, except some informal rants which maintain that, forget it, we're doomed to zip through this decade making poor choices that we will not remember anyway.

So why the lack of available resources online, and I assume elsewhere? Because of the blur that was other persons' lives back then, and their unwillingness to rehash it for the benefit of those who are currently a little thinner, younger, and stupider than they? I am not sure - but I think that if I make it to 30, I hope to be kind enough to impart some wisdom, and not so wrapped up in my life of raising kids, paying a mortgage, and complaining about my boss that I don't think about those poor souls battling 25. I will remember them, just as we now are forgotten. But what really, am I three years in, learning about this special time in life?

I have learned that old people will be concerned for your instability in life at 20, whereas if you ask them where they were at your age, or don't ask to be polite but remember what they've said in the past, you'll find yourself buoyed up by the fact that there lives were not so much secure back then, and probably a little less on track then yours. Or if not, well, that's okay too, because they got out of the shambles somehow, right?

I have had people ask me what I want to do with my life, and I can't rightly answer them, because the fact is I am doing what I want to do, it's just that my career path will need to be curvy, but people feel uncomfortable when they get an answer that is more than a long sentence. Careers in this world aren't cookie cutter, nor are those unbelievably naive things called dreams, but I want to fulfill them none-the-less, and I intend to! So I would say that we should embrace our connect the dots lifestyles at this age, and not worry about how others feel about it and judge it, unless that is, those people are the ones paying your bills. If that is the case, well, you can't blame them for their concern about what it is (existential awareness/floundering) that they are supporting. Even though it's hard, we should all probably aim to support our own lives, otherwise, we don't really have full ownership of them in all their glory and mistakes.

I am not some kind of 20s sage, as made obvious by my own search for greater wisdom on this subject than my own, but my other two bits of advice (to myself) would be - get used to appreciating the small things in life, and count your blessings. As previously mentioned, I and many others like me in their twenties not supported by their parents in large part, have no money. But really, money is not the be all end all. Even when wants to eat well, dress well, and have fun, their are plenty of options - like inheriting funky decorations and furniture from others, shopping at the universally stylish Target, and making your own adventures, preferably in settings where free food is offered. If you are hungry enough, and I know this from experience, free food really does seem to be all around.

As for counting blessings, I think it is very easy for twenties these days to go around in a whiny stupor complaining about getting a job, buying gas for their car, their roommate, their lack of self-knowledge, all the choices they don't want to make which emerge from all the opportunities (graduate school, travel, relationships) at their fingertips. Stop complaining and start enjoying it people! (I say this to myself as well). I mean, when everyone around me is worried about their own internships/expenses/ipods, or in the case of the older adults in my life, just where that life is going, I think that most of these worries stem from free time on our hands and misplaced priorities. I think people who have really blessed lives and free time on their hands should serve others, not fret or philosophize all this much. So maybe I should just shut up, huh? I just think it's funny that so many people out their like to talk about their problems and insecurities in their twenties, but aren't taking time out to breath, reflect, think a little less about the complications they have voluntarily put into their young lives, and think more about how as healthy, happy young adults, they can be a powerful wonderful force in the world, by thinking a little bit less about just how it is they can hypothetically do it.

Thank you, and goodnight.

I depend on my bend

I think it's odd that we don't give more of our allegiance to the mundane, in terms of the credit we give to who and what shapes our lives. We talk about ideals, when it is really small ideas, the "my eye itches, let me scratch it" type of things, versus the "my eye sees a vision, let me fulfill it" type of calls, that make up our lives and in turn define them. I am not sure whether to laugh about, cry about, or elevate this kind of thinking. I simply don't know. But I am happy to be folksy!

Lively lively

Today, like yesterday, I will perform a juggling act of three jobs, one masters program, one boyfriend, no longer one hamster, one engaged best friend, one pregnant best friend, one recently-discovered chronic disease, two pseudo-sexual feet, and multiple other idiosyncrasies of life that to the outside observer seem fairly well put in place.

For my part, I am content, even as I yell at myself and complain to others that I need higher expectations in life. I think that in the grand tradition of cognitive dissonance, whatever that term actually means (I don't know after several semesters of studying it), one's life tends to look a bit rosier when it is underhandedly challenged, especially by someone close to the liver. At least that's what happened to me as I sat on the phone talking to someone who, I believe for her own good, was trying to convince me I was missing out on life. The theme of the conversation? - really just the importance, the brilliance, and the sheer bliss of money. Now, I know that I fall into that category of woman who is a people pleaser and who will work in some sort of "helping-job" for the rest of her life, even at the PhD level. I know I have said since my adolescence that I would never ever invest in stocks, and that I didn't want to ever be "too" rich, as in rich enough to throw money away, or rich enough to start worrying about having to philanthropize to get into heaven, though that of course is not ever how one gets there. At any rate, I am basically an anti-money person. Money can buy me things, but things, and well as feelings, thoughts, and other possessions of the heart and mind contributing to my well-being, do not have to come by money. My dreams are not limited by funds, but my dreams, as a side-effect of my work and relentless perseverance, generate funds like a coal plant generates pollution. And even more importantly, I do not trade my time at work for money to survive. I choose to devote my life to productivity directed toward the service of humanity, which society rewards with a paycheck, which I will not invest. So egg-headed, big-headed all of this sounds, but it is not directed at the reader, and is instead intended to come from a more honest me towards a less dominant converser on the other end of that phone line that night. Money is a third party mediator. Money, to me, can be written out of the equation.

And all that points to my happiness? I have been ranting a lot lately - whether in my head or to my family and friends, it's like I am a stove top burning dinner, and a fan needs to be turned on somewhere to dilute the smell and smoke. But I am happy, just pissed off that in the midst of that happiness, the judgemental nature of myself and others is still present. Things are good? Well they could be better! You're in love? But you're not married! You have an amazing job? Then why do you slack?!! It's really more me than anybody else, though I am amazed by the money argument. Still, after the rant above, I am done. I don't want to become a pundit of my own life. I aim to be steady, calm, and epitomize my contentedness.

In other news, I went to my first yoga class. I knew yoga was harder than it looks (think lady sitting in cross-legged harmony with herself and the world chanting "ohmm"), but my hamstrings feel like twinging violin strings today and my neck aches like I slept on it the wrong way. However, I loved the class. I love that it's free, I love that signing up for it forced me to finally retrieve my likewise gratis membership to my school gym.

Life- or self- actualization is thrown out there by us humanistic, psychology enthusiasts quite a lot, but I am not sure how much closer I have actually gotten to putting into action a lifestyle that feels right for me, feels like I am making the most of "me," until this past week. Even though I am tired and cranky, even though I am not volunteering a single bit of my time (I am very big on volunteering equaling out to selfless-giving and all-around morality) and even though I am failing mostly in my half-baked observance of a panentheist's attempt at Ramadan, I feel like the me I should be. Sounds like a Leo Buscaglia book title. But it sounds and is good to me.

I would definitely like to go back-to-school shopping with S today. And to clean our little cozy apartment. And for once to stay in my work clothes, minus the high heels, well into the evening.

Sometimes life just builds up in my stomach and I need a little chance to vomit out all of my frustrations and anxieties. Unhealthy as that may be, the next day is always better.